TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let us have An additional location exactly where American men can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It's not merely unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Trump Tower Damascus Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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